Part 2: What do we do? I don’t know what to do

May 6

My story of early pregnancy loss

Before you read on I want to let you know that my story of early pregnancy loss will go into detail about things that I experienced, felt and saw. This may not be comfortable for you. I don’t do this to be shocking, I am doing this because I don’t want to forget. Even though it was early, this pregnancy was real and this baby was wanted. I want all the other mothers who have experienced loss to know that no matter when you see that positive test, any and all of your feelings surrounding your pregnancy are valid. I want others to know what might happen and what your loved one might be going through. Of course every person’s experience is different, but because I serve the community that I do, I find that it is important to offer some perspective and by doing so my support.

I am not a morning person by any means, but that Friday I woke up at 5:30am. I felt weird and all the thoughts I had from the night before came rushing back so I quickly ran to the bathroom. I saw that I had some bright red spotting. Well that doesn’t bode well, I thought.

I took a deep breath and wiped. That’s when I saw more bright red blood and a small clot. My heart sank. I rushed to go tell Alex and my mind went blank.

What do we do? I don’t know what to do.

He asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital and I wasn’t sure, I mean what are you supposed to do in this situation? How exactly can they help me? They can’t stop it. I don’t have a prenatal care provider yet and if we go, do we go to an emergency room or an urgent care? So many questions ran through my mind and I had no answers. No one had ever really talked about this with me, but also who is supposed to be having this conversation with me? Why would I have this conversation at all?

I took a breath and asked if he thought we should go see a doctor and though I’m sure he had no idea either, he said…Well if we go, they may be able to tell us for sure. That gave me just the tiniest bit of hope.

I don’t often go to the doctor and even so getting an appointment could take weeks, so I decided to once more to go back to Google and see what would be best, an emergency room or an urgent care. From what I found, an ER may be the better choice because they could run blood work and do an ultrasound where as an urgent care might not have that ability.

While I googled, Alex called his mom to head over to watch Diego and take him to school. I hadn’t let what was happening sink in yet, I felt like I was pumped with adrenaline. Once his mom arrived, I didn’t realize he hadn’t told her what was going on. I asked if she knew why we called and she said no, but looked concerned.

I told her, I think I’m having a miscarriage, and that’s when it hit me. She hugged me, my face got hot and I could feel the tears streaming down.

I didn’t want Diego to see this, so I calmed myself down, quietly told him I had a doctors appointment and that abuela would be taking him to school.

As we drove to the hospital I kept telling Alex, I know this is common. I understand something like this happens. I get it, but I’m just really disappointed. I had stopped crying since before we left, and it was as if I was telling myself these things to keep my own feelings at bay.

When we arrived to the ER waiting room there was a few people already seated. The nurse at the front desk asked the reason for my visit and I felt like everyone in that waiting room was listening to my answer.

Just like last time as soon as I said it, I think I’m having a miscarriage, I couldn’t keep it together and that entire waiting room witnessed my tears. I don’t understand why they make you say these things out loud where a room full of strangers are listening.

The nurse finished checking us in and walked us to the back. I remember being so embarrassed crying in front of her that I even tried to apologize. I told her, It’s so early, I’m not even that far along. I’m so sorry. And she firmly told me, Don’t apologize at all, it’s ok.

The nurse practitioner who was working with me that day was one of the kindest humans. Everything about him, his voice, his eyes, his bedside manner just exuded kindness and I’m so thankful for that. He knew I was scared and he knew that I did not want this and his level of respect for that was comforting.

He gently pressed on my belly and asked me if I had any pain. I didn’t, just some mild cramping. He then told me that they would need to get bloodwork and a urine sample to check my hormone levels. They would also need to get an ultrasound. I perked up when he said that because at least I could see it, see that this was real.

They handed me a bag with a urine cup and a small moist towelette and a second nurse took me to another room to get my blood drawn. After the nurse drew my blood she told me that they needed a urine sample and directed me towards the bathroom. I realized, that I didn’t have to go at all. I had emptied my bladder not an hour and a half ago when I first saw blood in my underwear. I told Alex this and he went to get a bottle of water. In my head I was trying to think of things to trigger a trip to the bathroom, because I didn’t want to have to drink the water. It sounds strange but if you’ve taken pregnancy tests you know that it’s recommended to use the first pee of the morning and to not drink a lot of water so the urine won’t be diluted which can affect your results. Reflecting on this now, I know it wouldn’t of mattered, but in the moment it was all I could think to do.

We were guided to a smaller waiting area as we waited for me to use the restroom and for an ultrasound. I finally gave in and started drinking the water. I found a bathroom to see if I could fill the cup. I hadn’t looked since I first saw blood, and when I did my heart sank again. There was so much more. Way more than what a tiny moist towelette could handle. I felt like I was in the bathroom for a long time, as I tried to clean up as best as I could and all I kept thinking was no one tells you how messy this can be. It’s a strange thought, and maybe not everyone’s experience, but it surprised me nonetheless.

Once I made it back to the small waiting area an ultrasound tech came to get me. I asked if Alex could come too, but she told us the room would be too small. So I went alone, with her.

Once in the room she asked me her questions, when was my last period, how far along was I, how many pregnancies have I had, etc. She then draped my belly and put the gel on. I remember being surprised because the gel was warm, I thought it would be cold. I also remembered thinking, another person could absolutely fit in this room.

She started moving the ultrasound transducer around my belly and though my thoughts were screaming, what do you see? I didn’t ask. I knew she couldn’t tell me my results, so I searched her screen looking for that tiny little black and white circle. I didn’t see it.

After a few minutes of quietly searching she said, This is tricky timing. It’s really early to even tell. I’m not sure what exactly she meant when she said this, but I felt defensive for some reason.

I quickly told her that I had been tracking everything. I knew my last period, I knew my ovulation date, I had a positive test. This was real.

She then asked me if I have ever had a transvaginal ultrasound. I had with Diego, it was the first time we ever saw him and the first time we heard his heartbeat. I didn’t experience that this time. She stepped out of the room so I could remove my bottom layer of clothing and cover up with a thin sheet. As she once again started searching my uterus, she pulled the screen close to her and I could no longer see it. She was really quiet as she made her notes. Once she finished she gave me some bathing wipes and a towel, which I was incredibly thankful for.

Use as many as you need, she said as she stepped out.

Once I made it back to where I had left Alex, the nurse practitioner with the kind eyes came to speak with us. He spoke so quickly I couldn’t quite understand what he was telling me. He said something along the lines that my urine and blood work were done, and something was very low and that they just needed to wait on the ultrasound results. He also asked if I needed anything for the pain. I told him no and he said he would be back once all the results came back and then he left.

After a minute or two another nurse came up to me and once again offered me some Tylenol. I remember being silently annoyed thinking, Why do you keep offering me Tylenol? That isn’t going to help fix this kind of pain. I know they were doing what could, but in the moment I was so annoyed with this. After a few minutes the nurse came back and told us that we needed to go back to the main lobby to wait for my results. And boy did we wait.

That ER was so busy and I saw so many people with so many different sad stories come through. We were sitting right by check in and like I mentioned earlier, the whole room can hear what your reason is for being there. There were a few chest pain patients, a really bad foot wound, 2 different kids with concussions, a bad cold or flu patient, and a young girl who came with her mother who was there for the exact reason I was.

I glanced at her and tried to catch her eye. I wanted her to know she wasn’t alone. Silently I screamed, We’re in this together and I’m so sorry. She got taken back to go through what I just had and we continued to wait, for two and half hours.

I sat in a waiting room chair, cramping and bleeding, becoming more and more uncomfortable and upset that I had to wait this long while this was happening. At the two hour mark I was done and I was angry. If they were going to make me wait this long, at least let me do this at home.

After another half hour I was finally called back and we were guided into another room. The nurse practitioner was back and apologized for our wait. He quietly explained that my hCG levels were very low. He explained that the ultrasound also hadn’t shown any evidence of a pregnancy. I didn’t understand. He said that this was called a Pregnancy of Unknown Location, something I had never heard of before.

For those of you who also don’t know what this is, it’s when you receive a positive pregnancy test, but there are no signs of pregnancy in the uterus. There are three possible reasons for this: First it is too early and the pregnancy is too small to see. Second, the pregnancy has ended and the developing tissue has already passed out of the body. Three, you might be experiencing ectopic pregnancy, where the pregnancy is occurring outside of the uterus.

The nurse practitioner explained that he wanted to rule out ectopic pregnancy, as that could be a life threatening situation. Because I hadn’t had any previous blood work and we had no idea what my hCG levels were at previously, I needed to get additional blood work done within the next couple days to see if the levels would go up or down. If they went down, they could confirm it was a miscarriage, if they went up then they would discuss treatment for an ectopic pregnancy.

He told me to go home and rest and to pay attention to how much I blood I lost. He told me I should use pads because it was safest and there was less risk of getting an infection, not to mention you are able to tell more easily how much you bleed.

I told him I that I was a massage therapist and I had a full day of appointments the next day and I asked if it was safe to work. He said to listen to my body, I should be fine but if I had any pain or excessive bleeding then I shouldn’t.

I asked him where do I go to get bloodwork done because I didn’t have any prenatal care yet. He told me I could come back to the ER, but to try and go early, so I didn’t have to wait as long.

He handed me my discharge papers and I saw the word miscarriage and felt like crying again. All of this was so much information and I just wanted it to be over. I didn’t want to come back, I didn’t want this to be happening at all.

Read Part 3 HERE.
Part 1 HERE.

If you are or have experienced pregnancy loss, you are not alone. Speak with your healthcare provider additional help and support, and if you are in need of resources here are some you might find helpful: