Part 1: Cautiously Excited

May 6

My story of early pregnancy loss

Before you read on I want to let you know that my story of early pregnancy loss will go into detail about things that I experienced, felt and saw. This may not be comfortable for you. I don’t do this to be shocking, I am doing this because I don’t want to forget. Even though it was early, this pregnancy was real and this baby was wanted. I want all the other mothers who have experienced loss to know that no matter when you see that positive test, any and all of your feelings surrounding your pregnancy are valid. I want others to know what might happen and what your loved one might be going through. Of course every person’s experience is different, but because I serve the community that I do, I find that it is important to offer some perspective and by doing so my support.

It was Saturday March 25th which was Alex and my 7th wedding anniversary and I had momentarily forgot. The day before we had just gotten back from a family Spring Break vacation to Big Bend and we were sleeping in.

We had been actively trying to conceive, which was the first time since working through Alex’s health scares. For those of you who know how difficult that two week wait is, I was actually pretty patient up until then. I woke up that day and thought, I’ll just take a test for peace of mind…it’s super early but I can always take another in a few days. My period was supposed to come that day anyway, so I just wanted to see what would happen.

I slipped out of bed, grabbed a cup, filled it and dipped the stick. I then covered it with toilet paper, laid it flat and waited for 2 of the longest minutes every mama-to-be has to wait. I’ve always wanted to catch my reaction, so I fixed myself up a bit, set up my phone camera and waited for the timer to go off. With Diego watching TV in the background, I pressed record and unwrapped the pregnancy test. I looked at it and saw the faintest line. I was immediately excited, and then stared at it again, harder, not entirely believing what I was seeing.

No, I think I see a second line! I couldn’t stop smiling, I was so excited. But I also had this thought in my mind…it’s still early.

I decided not to tell Alex right away. I wanted to find a special way, and I also wanted to let this sit with me for a bit. I did however want some confirmation, so I anonymously posted a picture of the test on a motherhood Facebook group, and congratulations began rolling in. At least I knew it wasn’t just me who saw it.

I spent the next several hours quiet and happy, not even realizing what day it was. When Alex walked into our bedroom and asked if I was aware of the date, I thought…Oh crap, our anniversary! I had just reminded him earlier that week, but completely forgot in my excitement. I admitted that I had forgotten, but thought…this is my chance!

I may have forgotten, but I did get you a gift, I told him.

I didn’t get you anything.

That’s ok, I said as I ran into the bathroom and grabbed the faint positive pregnancy test that I had carefully placed in a snack bag.

I handed him the test waiting for his reaction.

Are you serious?

Yup.

The next few days we spent being cautiously excited. We both knew it was early, according to my period app I was about 4 weeks and 5 days. We decided to wait to tell Diego and our families, but I just couldn’t wait to share the news.

We told Alex’s mom first. She had let us borrow her car for our spring break trip and we had accidentally broke the lock on her car door. So as an apology I wrapped the first pregnancy test in a gift bag and gave it to her. I then told my mom by sending her a picture of a second digital pregnancy test confirmation hidden between pictures of Big Bend and Diego. Everyone was elated for us.

Alex and I did decide to wait until I was at least 6 weeks to tell Diego, because we knew anything could happen. He had been asking for a sibling so I know he would be really excited too. I even bought him a big brother shirt from Etsy. It wouldn’t arrive until April 3.

Those first few days I had really uncomfortable lower back pain, and my breasts were very sore. I would also randomly cry at things. So many signs of early pregnancy that I had forgotten.

That Monday I was also experiencing very dull achy cramps that lasted for about an hour. Something I don’t remember having when I was pregnant with Diego. I kept that to myself because I was so scared it was something bad, but because my office was in the middle of two midwives, a doula collective and a chiropractic office that specializes in prenatal/postpartum care, I couldn’t not to share my good news. I was able to tell the owner of the doula collective and the chiropractic office, though I never got a chance to tell the midwives. Those who knew were so happy for us, but all the while I had that nagging thought it’s still early, anything can happen.

Whenever those intrusive thoughts would rage, I began silently repeating this affirmation in my head, “I trust in my body, my body knows best.” I thought that quite a bit.

That day every time I would go to the bathroom I would immediately check the toilet paper and every time there was nothing. By Tuesday the lower abdominal achiness had subsided and I started to settle a bit more into the idea of being pregnant.

With all the knowledge that I had gained these last few years of motherhood and being part of the birthing community I knew that I wanted this pregnancy to be different. I reached out to a doula, looked over the reviews and websites of midwives, I even went so far as to reach out to one, I started taking a prenatal vitamin, and began re-reading my old Mama Natural pregnancy book. I started doing all of the things you do when you find out you are pregnant.

I even thought about when I would tell my clients because I was so excited to share this journey. I had a new client come into my office on Wednesday and she happened to ask how many children I had. I told her One…well kind of. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut and said, I just found out I’m pregnant. Even she, this person I just met was excited for me.

This feeling of being a little more settled into the idea of being pregnant lasted through Thursday afternoon. I had another long time client who came and asked how I was, and just like last time I just couldn’t not say anything. I let her know my news and she congratulated me and we continued on in her session. Once I finished I went to the bathroom and that’s when I noticed a very light pink watery streak. I got a little nervous so asked Dr.Google, and the internet assured me it could potentially be implantation bleeding.

The rest of the afternoon I poured over different articles, reading other women’s stories and pictures of when implantation bleeding happened for them, what it looked like and it looked really similar. I felt slightly more at ease. I hadn’t noticed any more of the light pink color.

When I finally got home I went to the restroom just to double check and once again I noticed more light pink. My mom had dropped Diego off and stayed to chat. I told her about the pink streaking, that it could be implantation bleeding, but also that I still really feared the worst. She mentioned, You didn’t seem to have these thoughts with Diego and I said, well I’m older now and I’m bigger and I know more about pregnancy and how common it actually is. Part of me wonders if I somehow manifested what happened next, though logically I know that’s not true.

Once my mom left I did bedtime routine with Diego, but kept running to the restroom to check. Each time I only saw light pink streaks, except the last time. Diego was finally asleep and I was getting ready for bed myself and noticed the light pink had turned watery brown. That scared me and I Googled a bit more, but ultimately decided I needed to turn off my phone, my brain and my fears. That was really difficult to do, but finally I fell asleep hoping that in the morning everything would be back to normal.

Read Part 2 HERE.

If you are or have experienced pregnancy loss, you are not alone. Speak with your healthcare provider for additional help and support, and if you are in need of resources here are some you might find helpful: